A Diagnosis for the Dizziness!

"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:16b Thank YOU all for your diligent prayer!

Friends and family, by God's GREAT grace, today I was finally given a diagnosis for my dizziness! After spending time at the Heuser Hearing Institute, the doctor said she was certain of problem. It's called Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo. You can read more about it here: http://www.dizziness-and-balance.com/disorders/bppv/bppv.html. The short of it? It's very curable with treatment. While there is a 30% chance symptoms may occur, they can be retreated if they do. I cannot tell you how very good of news this is!

With treatment, I am going to ask a little assistance from those of you that may be available/willing. I will be scheduled for 3 seperate treatments. Sometimes, patients find relief after only 1...sometimes it's more than 3. So they plan on 3 and proceed as necessary. At the end of this email, I give the post-treatment instructions for those of you interested. Depending on when I'm able to schedule and when James has to work those weeks, I'm probably going to need some help around the house. I will have to wear a cervicle collar during awake time for 48hrs following the procedures. I will not be allowed to bend over, look up or down. You can imagine the challenge that will be with the kiddos. :) I may also need someone to take me to/from the 45min appointments downtown (near Sojourn) as I'm not supposed to drive home myself afterwards. If you live in town and you're both willing and available to help in any of these ways, could you let me know? I don't know the dates yet but I hope to schedule tomorrow or the next day so I'll know soon. I'm getting over a migraine now so I didn't take the time to schedule earlier.

It seems the good Lord is teaching me a giant lesson in patience and trust. Please join me in praying the treatments are effective and that I'll keep my hope in Christ - not my results.

Also, unrelated but prayer requests none the less.. pray for our sweet kiddos. They're sick yet again... It was incredibly hard for me to serve them well today with my intense migraine. But I'm married to one of the most wonderful men on the planet and he played Mr. Mom for me in every way he could. Benjamin is now in his helmet full time and is doing well overall. Hannah's ear surgery (tubes) went much better than anticipated.

We serve a great God! Thank you for walking alongside of us!

Take Care,
Terra

jamesandterra.blogspot.com

48hrs after treatment...
Do not tip your head up or down or bend at the waist. Pretend there is a book balanced on top of your head and do not let it fall off. Use of the cervical collar will help prevent you from tipping your chin down. Sides to side turns are OK.
Do not go to appointments that require you to lie down or tilt your head (barber, dentist, chiropractor).
When brushing your teeth, rinse your mouth with a cup to avoid bending over.
You may shower or wash your hair but avoid tipping your head up or down.
Avoid repetitive motions, such as weeding the garden, ironing or sweeping.

Sleeping: For the first 48 hours, sleep tilted back slightly at no more than a 45 degree angle. It is easiest to sleep in a recliner if available. Otherwise, use several pillows to prop yourself. It is a good idea to put pillows at your feet to avoid scooting down in the night. Do not rollover. On the third night, you may sleep flat but not on the treated side.

It is best to avoid sleeping on your treated side (right/left) for the remainder of the week.

Post-treatment symptoms:

Many people experience an immediate change in head or ear pressure. Most people experience total relief after the three day waiting period.
Headaches are common. Typically, a patient who experiences headaches with episodes will also experience headaches post treatment.
Patients sometimes feel different, but not better, following a maneuver. If symptoms persist the maneuver may need to be repeated or a different type of maneuver may be chosen. Be patient. Two to three procedures are typically required for those who do not respond to the first procedure.

MRI and more

Good evening friends and family. I know many of you have been curious about the official MRI results. The MRI did come back normal. My doctor was a bit irritated with the MRI tech because the tech recommended doing a MRI without contrast versus with contrast (which is what my doc had ordered). Obviously I didn't know any better so I just said "okay" to the tech, I figured she knew what she was doing. So there is a small possibility I may have to get that done again (with contrast) in the new year some time if we continue to find nothing elsewhere. My doc mainly wants the MRI (with contrast) to check for the possibility of early MS.

So where do we stand now? Neurologist. Apparently there are few here in Louisville and they are not very easy to get into. My doc said that they fax all of my issues/records/tests to the neurologist and then the neurologist chooses (based on what they receive) how long it'll be before you come it. She said it could literally be months. SO... I definitely ask for prayers that the neurologist would by God's grace, show me favor and get me in sooner than later. I will say that overall, I've had many more good days than bad days lately so that's a huge praise. I continue to trial and error different things (such as diet, activity, etc) to see if I can rule anything else out. As of today, still not sure.

My doc did say that while she doesn't yet know what's going on, she can fairly confidently say it's nothing immidiately horrible (such as something that could immediately threaten my life). At worst, it could still be the beginning stages of a long term illness (such as MS, etc).

I'll keep everyone posted as usual. Thank you for continued prayers. I've truly felt a great deal of God's grace in so many ways with this whole ordeal. Tonight, as I was playing with Hannah, I glanced up at the magnetic part of her easel where her "Leap Frog" alphabet letters were sticking. There was a random grouping of letters in the upper corner, minus the letter "u", when rearranged, it spelled "journey." I though that was so neat. I'm on a journey. There are hills, valleys, curves, sun, rain, and more. But the entire journey, the good Lord is by my side reminding me to put my trust in Him. You all are my physical reminders of His love. Thank you.

Take Care,
Terra

A few new pics

There are a few new pics, videos and such on Flickr.

Click here for the latest: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jamesandterra/

Please also be in prayer for me. I have a really bad sinus infection. Pray I trust the Lord in the meantime and lean on Him for strength and comfort. I praise Him for antibiotics and pain killers. :)

Take care,
Terra

Health Updates

Hello everyone! I pray you're doing well today. Many of you have been asking about my tests and I wanted to update you on the latest.

My doctor was on vacation this week but the other doctor in the office called me. As I expected, most of the tests came back completely normal (things like iron-levels, thyroid, etc). The test that would give a better idea of whether or not I was battling Lupus came back borderline. However, the doctor told me that borderline was not necessarily something to get worried about. He also said judging by some other test I had, he would highly doubt Lupus was the issue. So that's the good thing. The not-so-good thing, it's still a bit inconclusive. My doc is back in the office today so I called to see what she wanted to do next. They had me schedule a follow-up visit with her this coming Tuesday afternoon. I'm not sure if she will order more tests or what she plans to do. I'll keep you all posted whenever I know anything further.

Thank you again for your love and prayers. By God's grace, this last week has been a really good week for me physically. Thank you!
Take Care,
Terra

Update on Health Concerns

As many of you know, I've been suffering from several various ailments and health issues. While many of these things have worsened recently, many of them I've struggled with for years, just to a lesser extent. Last summer I had multiple tests to determine the cause of my ailments. The doctor was unable to come to a diagnosis. This morning I had another doctor's appointment (with a new doc). She was amazing and listened very well. She has ordered many more (and specific) tests than were done last summer. The good news is that my dizziness is likely caused only by fluid buildup in my ears. I'm being put on Zyrtec-D to deal with that. Based on my issues, she has reason to believe I'm struggling with either Lupus and/or Fibromyalgia. I should have some basic results within 10 days. Depending on the results, I may or may not have to have more testing to confirm the diagnosis. You may notice that I've linked resource webpages to both of the issues above. If you're interested in reading more about them, feel free to click on those links.

That being said, I'm not dying. :) Well, in a sense, we're all dying but you know what I mean. While both issues can potentially have a severity in manifestation, they do not imply that there will be. 85-90% of people living with Lupus, as long as they follow doctor's orders and treatment, can expect to live a normal lifespan. This is much different than in years past.

How am I taking all of this in? Well, honestly, I've been preparing myself for this potential diagnosis all week. Some moments have been stronger than others. Some days I've felt physically horrible, other days I've felt almost normal. The Lord is my Rock. Isaiah 41:10 says, "fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." I've been singing these verses for the last few days and they have truly been a comfort. I must admit, I am afraid of how this will effect my life. There is no cure for either of these issues. Treatment is simply done to control and deal with the symptoms. That frightens me. And yet I fully trust the Lord is good. If this is to be my thorn, so be it. Praise be to God for His ways and thoughts are higher than my own. Whatever brings Him greater glory is what I pray for in this life. And if that's Lupus or Fibromyalgia...so be it. Pray that I continue to hold that mindset during the harder times.

I want to say thank you to all of my friends and family. You all have been so thoughtful, supportive, and prayerful. Please continue to be a friend in those ways. I cannot tell you what it means to me to know how many people are praying for and loving on my family and I.

If you have any further thoughts/questions/comments, feel free to let me know. In the meantime, I'll be sure to update with test results as soon as I am made aware myself.

Thank you!
Take Care,

Terra

Amazing Grace

For those of you that don't know, I've been really battling some medical issues lately. To keep this post short, my speculation (as well as a few friends of mine in the medical field) is that I may have an autoimmune disorder of some sort. Some days are harder/easier than others. These last 3 weeks have leaned on the more difficult side. That being said, I'm fighting to trust in the Lord and His perfect plan for my life. I know "he works all things for the good of those who love Him" and He's forcing me to trust in His perfect strength and not my imperfection.

Tonight, a friend of mine included me in a forward that she sent out to many friends... little did she know, it touched a special place in my heart. Enjoy it yourself here: http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1785324681?bclid=1338935106&bctid=1913313052

I have my first of probably multiple doctor's appointments on Friday. I'll update everyone as I can.

Please keep me and our family in your prayers,
Terra

Busy Week

I haven't been writing much but I've been trying to keep everyone up to date with pictures and videos at least. I hope that's encouraging! ;)

This week is going to be super busy for James. He's literally going to be working just about non-stop from now until Friday. He has several meetings for his chaplaincy on top of his normal 40hr work week at Meijer. Then we're going to have some family time at the Newport Aquarium in Cincinnati. Please, please pray for strength and energy there.

Hannah and I had a cold this past weekend/week. It was no fun but we're doing great now. This morning, Benjamin woke up with a cough. I'm guessing he's now getting what we already had. Pray for quick healing for his little body (he's 3 1/2 months old now).

I've been doing yoga pretty much daily at home for the past week now. I never knew how amazing yoga could be! Seriously... I've felt more rejuvenated and had WAY less back pain then I do in a typical week. I'm so grateful to my friend Leigh-Anna for introducing me to it at the Y first! It means early mornings (about 6am) but it's totally worth it.

After reading up on some posts from my friend Courtney Bell's blog (see right side of this page for link), I was encouraged to start a weekly cleaning rotation. Each day the focus is on a different room and then there are certain things I do daily. Then I've also created a daily schedule to help me plan Hannah and Benjamin's day. This schedule is loose in the sense of activities but very specific in mealtimes and naptimes for example. Different things work for different people but so far, I've found that taking a little time to set these up has given me a great deal of EXTRA time to do things day to day. Oh..and a MUCH cleaner home! If you'd like to see my files, just leave me a message with your email address (if I don't already have it) and I'd be happy to send them.

Okay...so that's life in the Santos' home for now.

Until next time...
Terra

Be Glad?

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." - Psalm 118:24 NIV

Oh how I've struggled to do just that these last few days! It's been a hectic few days around the Santos home. From James' busy schedule, toddler discipline issues, potty training fiascoes, four hours of almost solid crying from the baby, lack of energy and so on... I've fought to keep my sanity. As a matter of fact, I cried twice today - and I'm not ashamed to admit it. For good reason, the Lord brought the above verse into my heart just moments ago. It doesn't say, "Today was a good day, let us rejoice and be glad in it." It says, "This is the day the Lord has made..." Why the rejoicing? Because God made it. God made today. He made yesterday and the day before. He will make tomorrow. As hard as it may be...I have to fight to rejoice in each day because God has made them. Everything that happens in a given day has been sovereignly ordained by a good God. Pray that I trust in Him and His grace. As the line goes in a Steven Curtis Chapman song, "this is a moment made for worshipping." Every moment. Every tear. Every smile. Every newborn cry. Every act of disobedience from my toddler. Every moment is a moment made for worshipping. Thank you Steven.

Tonight I cling to Lamentations 3:22-23, "The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (ESV)

Tomorrow is a new day.

In Christ,
Terra

Weeks 20 & 21 - CRAZINESS!!!

Wow! So, I haven't written in a long time but I have many valid excuses! Where do I even begin?! This will probably be a long post, read at your own interest level!

Last weekend (Fri, Sat, Sun), Hannah and I went back to Western Kentucky to visit family and friends. Unfortunately James had to work as usual. Right before we left I started to get a little bit of a cough and Hannah began with a runny nose. I didn't think much about it, we both tend to get colds alot. Well, by Saturday, Hannah was running a temperature of 103.3. With the help of some acetaminophen and other techniques, we got the fever down within a couple of hours. Little did I know the fever would continue to rise and fall for FIVE more days.

All that being said, I took her to the doctor on Monday. I was told it was likely just a viral thing and the fever should break by Wednesday if so. If she was to get any more symptoms, I should call the office. Well... Tuesday morning, I went to the doctor (for myself) and was put on a Zpack to deal with my cough/cold and for prevention considering I'm pregnant. Later that same afternoon, Hannah woke from her nap shivering uncontrollably, breathing short breaths and with purple lips. One call to the doctor and we were on our way to the ER. After all kinds of tests and a chest Xray, once Hannah was stabilized, we were sent home with antibiotics (just in case there was an infection) and a nebulizer to help her breathing. We were told she may be in the beginning stages of pneumonia, again, likely viral. If her symptoms came back, we should take her to the ER at the Children's Hospital downtown because they may need to admit her.

1:30 am, same night. Hannah woke up screaming. Chills, fever, short breath and purple lips had all returned. Off to Kosairs ER we went. We spent the entire evening there (left at 7am) and with no more info. Again, test-wise, she had no symptoms of low oxygen or even the previous possibility of pneumonia. Just a really nasty virus. Christmas Eve morning, we went home and were told to stay on the original course of action with antibiotics and nebulizer, fever reducers as needed. Yesterday (Friday), we checked in a the pediatrician's office for a post ER visit. She did manage to get an ear infection on top of it all but by God's grace, she's been fever-less for about 36 hours!

Today we started a new antibiotic (to treat the ear infection) and are continuing with the occasional breathing treatments over the weekend. She slept a whopping 13 hours last night without getting up (praise the Lord!) and seems to be doing a great deal better. Personally, my cough has slowed tremendously and I'm on my last day of the Zpack. I'm also feeling a world better. In addition, God has been so gracious in keeping James from getting sick this entire time. That has been a tremendous blessing as he's had to pull a great deal of the weight this week (on top of working).

Overall, it's been a crazy few weeks. In addition to the sickness, the busyness of the Christmas season kept us going. James' family was here for 2 weeks and then as I mentioned earlier, we visited my family for a few days. Tomorrow, we'll be going back to W.Ky for a few more days (James included) to visit a bit more. You can pray for my mom as she's also been incredibly sick. As a matter of fact, not only our daughter but both of our mom's were all at separate ERs in about a 36 hour time frame. It was crazy!

Hannah enjoyed opening her Christmas presents and seems to enjoy most of them so far. She's really enjoyed her new toy kitchen. I'll try to get pictures up later.

Baby Benjamin has been doing well as much as we know. He's still kicking around enough to let me know he's okay. That has been reassuring. My next OB appointment will be January 8th. We'll have another ultrasound because they didn't get a good visual of the heart last time. So that should be exciting... I love peaking in at the baby!

If you're still reading with me, I'm impressed! Please continue to pray for our family and healing. Also, let us know if there is any way we can pray for you!

Take care,
Terra

Sick... sick... sick...

Yeah... so ignore the "alive and 'well'" part of the last post. We're alive but definitely not well. Hannah and I (Terra) are not doing so hot. Went to the doc with Hannah today... appears to be viral, we'll see. She's been running up to 104 degree temp (at it's peak) while I've been hovering just under 100. I think we have two different things going on though, as we have many different symptoms.

Anyway... all that being said, I don't know when I'll get a real post on here but I'll do it whenever I can. Please pray James doesn't get sick again (he just got over a cold not too long ago) and that the rest of us get better soon.

Take care,
Terra

Calling all Prayer Warriors!

Hello everyone! I know you're probably expecting my Week 18 & 19 posts (as well as the sex of the baby) but that will come later. Our appointment is late this afternoon and I'll update you all when I can after that.

Right now I come to you seeking your prayers for a friend and neighbor of mine. Her name is Tracy (husband Brett, 1st child Sam) and Thursday she gave birth to her second child, Noah. Although Noah was full-term, he's having some significant unexpected medical issues. Here are some of the details sent out in an email from my friend (and another neighbor) Amanda:

Noah is thought to have pneumonia. He is currently on a ventilator and though he is on antibiotics and the ventilator is doing the work of breathing for him, he's still having trouble oxygenating his blood (so, if you're looking for something specific to pray for, pray that he will begin to consistently oxygenate his blood well, in addition to all the other things!). This is making him very sick (there have been other issues contributing to this, like pulmonary hypertension, increased heart rate, low blood pressure, but not sure I'll remember or explain everything she told me correctly) and the doctors have told her that the first 5-7 days are very critical and he could get worse before getting better. He is still at Norton, but he could be transferred to Kosair if his condition worsens.

Tracy said it's been a constant roller coaster of him doing a little better and then worse, and she, of course, feels pretty helpless, since he's on no stimulation (meaning his eyes and ears are covered and she can't hold or touch him) and sedated (to help him rest) but is keeping a constant vigil by his side. Though we haven't been in this situation, as moms, we can all certainly imagine how heart-wrenching this experience is, and I know she appreciates all the prayers.

Please keep baby Noah in your prayers. I was also told by another friend that a baby in this condition has a 40% mortality rate. As a mother, my heart aches for Tracy and her family. I plead with you to at least pray as you finish reading this blog. May the Lord show mercy and healing to her family.

In Christ,
Terra

Mystery Solved!

So being wiped out from this unidentified sickness for the last few days has been incredibly draining. I was feeling somewhat better this morning only to be hit hard again this afternoon. Fortunately not hit hard with the vomiting and such, just total lack of energy. As a result, this post will be very short.

The "encouraging" thing about it all, if I can say that, is that I found the source of my illness! Apparently, someone carried a stomach bug unknowingly to the Pampered Chef party I did Thursday night and at least 7 of us were sick by Saturday. I'm glad to at least know what it was. Now I pray that it doesn't show up in James or Hannah in the next few days!

Please continue to pray for my recovery as I'm very out of sorts.

Take care,
Terra

Weeks 14 & 15: Dehydration & a Trip to the E.R.

What a few weeks it's been! Thank you all for your patience in my posting recently. I try to get a weekly "pregnancy update" but it never happened in weeks 14 & 15 so here's a combo post. I'll work back from the most recent events because they are easier to recall.

Last night, I had to make my first trip to the E.R. since I was 12. Why? Well, Friday night, I had a jewelry show. At about 8:30, I started feeling a bit nauseous but assumed it was pregnancy related. I finally got in bed around 11, only to be jumping up just moments later to vomit, then to have diarrhea. That was only the beginning of a very, very long night. I spent the next 18 hours going back and forth between the two extremes. I was unable to keep anything down, including fluids. I had a low grade fever which peeked at 100.2. I had spoken with the OB on call about 8am yesterday morning to see when I should be concerned. After the symptoms refused to cease, I was told to go to the E.R.

So...that's where we went at around 5:30 yesterday evening. Fortunately, I was not made to wait and taken straight back. They drew a bunch of blood for some tests, checked my HcG (pregnancy hormone) levels, hooked me to an IV and started me on fluids and nausea medication. The nurse listened to the baby's heartbeat, which was just over 140 and steady. Dehydration was "confirmed" as if it needed to be. After about three hours, I was given the option to go home, which I gladly accepted.

No conclusive cause was given as to why I started with the vomiting and such in the first place. Either I managed to get food poisoning or I caught some sort of 24hr bug. Who knows. I'm still not feeling completely up to par as my body is totally exhausted from the lack of quality sleep, inability to keep food down, etc. So far today, I have been able to keep both breakfast and lunch down. Please continue to pray for me.

In other news, I've been extremely busy with both businesses lately - a good thing. James had a conference in Philly this week and so I was blessed with many awesome babysitters. He's also been very busy with his job.

I had my OB checkup Wednesday. It was probably the fastest I've had! The baby's heartbeat was good, I gained another 4lbs, blood pressure 110/60, everything looked great. I also had a flu shot and I set the BIG date for the anatomy ultrasound. On Dec. 8th, my birthday, we go in to check the sex of the baby! I hope he/she cooperates! ;)

Well, I need to rest some more, I just wanted to update everyone out there in cyberland.

Take care,
Terra

Latest Health Updates

First, let me say thank you to all of the wonderful people that have written, called, spoke, or simply prayed for me. I've been so blessed by you all! To top it off, I haven't had a true headache in about 3 days now, which is a gigantic answered prayer in itself. The dizziness and nausea has also lessened.

I spoke with my doctor yesterday afternoon. The good news, my CT scan was normal overall. No brain tumors, abnormalities or sinus issues. She pointed out that I do have a slightly deviated septum but from what I've read, most of the population does. The not-so-good news, still no diagnosis. She mentioned a couple of every day things that may be causing these symptoms individually (such as stress, parenting, etc). She said the only other potential diagnosis was one she didn't think I had anyway: depression. I agree in the sense that I'm pretty sure I'm not depressed. There was a time my sophomore year in college when I did struggle with depression. However, I know I'm not at that same point now. To be sure, I've asked a few of my closest friends (and family) and they agreed with me. Whew.

A few people have also suggested the problem could stem from the physical and/or emotional strains from my miscarriage in March. I'm not sure. I guess that's a possibility. I feel like we're coping well emotionally though.

For those of you who are concerned, the summer has been much less busy than the spring was. Our responsibilities with church functions and other things have decreased significantly. We're finally getting to rest a little bit as a family. James is still incredibly busy with work but he's able to relax a little more once he gets home.

Pray that we continue to trust in the Lord. Whatever the situation with my health, pray that I place my trust in Him fully. We'll be going on vacation in about a week and a half (to visit friends and family in Florida) and I pray it'll be a good time away for us. Thank you all again for your concern and prayers.

In Christ,
Terra

Scanning My Head for Cats

Ha! This morning I had a CT (or CAT) Scan... the name just makes me laugh. Are there cats running around in my head giving me all these issues? Just a little humor to begin this post. As I've mentioned in a previous post, I've had some medical concerns lately. Over the last week, some new symptoms have been popping up and going relentless on my body. In addition to the symptoms mentioned in the last post, add: dizziness, lightheadness, five days of headaches, and nausea. Oh... and you can go ahead and scratch off pregnant - because I'm not. According to the doc, my ears, eyes, nose, etc., all look good. She seemed as perplexed as I am.

If you haven't known me for over a few years, you may not know some family medical history. In 2000, my dad passed away from brain cancer at age 39. We (his kids) were told to be periodically checked as it could be hereditary (they were unsure). All that to say, when my symptoms continue to worsen and not be explained, I get a little anxious.

Please pray for me. Of course you can pray for my health but more importantly, peace with God. Whatever is going on with my body, God is in complete control. Pray that I am constantly trusting in Him. Pray for the doctors to have wisdom in diagnosing this issue. I will update this blog as I receive any new information.

Thank you in advance,
Terra

Tired...Always Tired

A couple of weeks ago, I (Terra) ended up at the doctor. I had had a sore throat for two weeks which refused to go away. While there, I mentioned to my doctor some other strange things which have be going on with my body. I'm always tired - no matter how much rest I get. I currently weigh less than I ever have as an adult, with zero effort (no dieting, exercising, etc). My hair is breaking easily and so on. I was tested for strep in the office, which was negative. I was also tested for mono. Since that test was sent out of office, the doc went ahead and prescribed an antibiotic in the meantime for my throat, in case it was some weird bacterial thing that just hadn't gone away over time. My potassium levels, kidney and liver functions, blood sugar and thyroid were all checked. I had no weird blood issues going on (anemia, white blood count or platelet issues). Absolutely nothing. The sore throat went away by the second day I was on the antibiotic. The rest of the issues are still problems - yet a cause cannot be pinpointed.

My sister suggested that I may have finally reached a level of busyness that is taking a toll on my body. Considering how busy James and I tend to be, she might be on to something. By God's grace, we're cutting back our activities and I pray it makes a difference. In the meantime, please continue to pray for me in this area. The thing that bothers me the most is the constant fatigue. It's hard to be joyful with a one year old when you're always tired. I'm also looking into better eating habits to see if that makes a difference.

Thanks in advance for your prayers!
Terra

A Time to Mourn...

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.”
Psalms 139:13-16 (ESV)

These were the words I read in my quiet time Monday morning. I cherished them as I pondered the life of the little one growing inside of me. Less than an hour later, these words haunted me as that same little life – lost it’s life. With monstrous cramping, I began what would be a four day turmoil of bleeding. This baby, our baby, MY baby was gone.

My immediate response was confusion. Deep down, I knew what had just happened but I couldn’t get a grasp on it yet. I was frozen. Being held by my husband, I stood, motionless in disbelief. “This is not happening,” I thought to myself. “This is just a bad dream.” Moments later, I crumbled into his arms as reality took hold of me.

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die...
...a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance”
Eccl 3:1,4 (ESV)

Monday was an incredibly difficult day. There were moments of uncontrolled crying. In my prayer journal I wrote, “To have had the thrill and excitement of pregnancy and no sooner than that, loss! God, I know that you are in control. I know that you love me. I know that while my heart screams ‘unfair!’ my soul reminds me that I must trust in you.”

Then there were moments of strange peace. Phillipians 4:5-7 says, “The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (my italics).

I couldn’t get those morning verses of Psalm 139 out of my head. Then God gently nudged me. It was as if He was telling me, “Terra. These words still hold true. I was knitting together this life and I had numbered your baby’s days. I know I took your little one before you were ready but I promise you, I’m still in control. I still love you. I have a greater purpose for this situation that you cannot yet understand.” Wow.

I have a new bond with those who have been through miscarriages. Before my own, though I knew it had to be hard, I had no idea just how hard. I don’t think it’s possible to know what it’s like without the experience. Some people will wonder if I’ll be as quick to announce our next pregnancy (assuming the Lord blesses us again) – I will. The way I see it, God calls us to community. In community, we can rejoice in new life. Even more, we can mourn with one another. First Corinthians 12:26 says, “If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.” Had I kept the pregnancy secret, I would not have had a community to mourn with.

Today my doctor's office called with the results of my blood work: the miscarriage was confirmed. I lost my composure yet again.

But during this time, my husband and I have so tightly clung to Christ. We’ve also learned how to cling even tighter to one another. It’s even caused me to love and cherish my daughter Hannah Mai that much more. As hard as it is for me to say, I know that God makes no mistakes. His ways are so much higher than my own. I even more strongly yearn for the day when He returns. Revelation 21:1-4 shows us that day. “Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away” (my italics).

This past Sunday at church, Bro. Daniel mentioned in his sermon that we need to be a people that both suffers and dies well. A day later, James and I’s abilities to do so were tested. Praise God that we do not rest on our own abilities. If we did, we’d both be in despair and misery. We are told to lean on our only solid Rock and to cast our burdens upon Christ. May He continue to lead us each day. This hope is our only hope. Please continue to pray for us during this difficult time.

I end with lyrics from Watermark’s “Glory Baby.” You can listen to it online at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wH5n5ikNgA

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day
when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet
Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to understand it
‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes
just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing,
heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…
all you’ll ever know…

In Christ,
Terra Santos

James Got Promoted!!!

By God's grace and to the answer of many, many, MANY prayers, James was promoted today at Meijer!!! He will begin training for his team leader position in the Photo and Electronics department on Monday. This will finally allow James to cut back on some of his hours at one of his other jobs. I'm sure he will very much enjoy getting sleep again! I know I'll enjoy seeing my husband again!

Praise God for great love and continuing to give us patience during this difficult time. Thank you ALL for your prayers and support! Please continue to pray for us as we strive to make wise financial decisions and be good stewards of what God has given us.

With love and thanks,
Terra

Allergy Test - Please Pray!

Tomorrow (Tuesday, February 12th), Hannah Mai will be allergy tested. For those of you that are not familiar with the process, it is not a fun one. As far as I know, Hannah will be enduring one of two tests:

• “Skin prick test. This test is done by placing a drop of a solution containing a possible allergen on the skin, and a series of scratches or needle pricks allows the solution to enter the skin. If the skin develops a red, raised itchy area (called a wheal), it usually means that the person is allergic to that allergen. This is called a positive reaction.
• Intradermal test. During this test, a small amount of the allergen solution is injected into the skin. An intradermal allergy test may be done when a substance does not cause a reaction in the skin prick test but is still suspected as an allergen for that person. The intradermal test is more sensitive than the skin prick test but is more often positive in people who do not have symptoms to that allergen.”1

I’m very much NOT looking forward to putting my baby girl through this as you can imagine. Fortunately, James will be with us for encouragement and an extra hand. PLEASE pray for us all from about 9:40-1:00ish.

Also, James has Strep – that’s a prayer request.

On a praise side, I’m so proud to announce that James successfully changed the radiator in my car today! This was his first “big” car work (past oil changes) so it was especially exciting. Praise God for a husband that loves to work, provide and learn how to continue to support the family in creative ways.

Oh…and we’re supposed to get 4-6 inches of snow tonight. It could be an interesting drive to the allergist!

Take care,
Terra

1 - http://www.webmd.com/allergies/allergy-tests

My Ovarian Cyst

As you know, I went to the doctor yesterday regarding an ovarian cyst that was found at my yearly check-up. Sure enough, the cyst was still there and approximately 4cm (or 1.6 in) in diameter. It is more specifically called a "Hemorrhagic" cyst and fortunately mine is benign (non-cancerous). This is what Wikipedia has to say about the Hemorrhagic cyst:

"[The] Hemorrhagic cyst, which is also called a blood cyst, hematocele, and hematocyst. It occurs when a very small blood vessel in the wall of the cyst breaks, and the blood enters the cyst. Abdominal pain on one side of the body, often the right side, may be present. The bleeding may occur quickly, and rapidly stretch the covering of the ovary, causing pain. As the blood collects within the ovary, clots form which can be seen on a sonogram. Occasionally hemorrhagic cysts can rupture, with blood entering the abdominal cavity.

"If a cyst ruptures, it is usually very painful. Hemorrhagic cysts that rupture are less common. Most hemorrhagic cysts are self-limiting; some need surgical intervention. Even if a hemorrhagic cyst ruptures, in many cases it resolves without surgery. Patients who don't require surgery will experience pain for 4 - 10 days after, and may require several days rest. Studies have found that women on tetracycline antibiotics recover 25% earlier than the majority of patients, a surprising correlation found in 2004. Sometimes surgery is necessary, such as a laparoscopy ("belly-button surgery" that uses small tools inserted through one or more tiny slits in the abdomen)."1

My cyst has begun to rupture with some bleeding. However, as bad as that sounds, that’s actually a good thing. By rupturing, it will likely take care of itself with no surgery necessary.
So there is good news and bad news. The good news: the cyst is benign and has already begun to rupture.

The bad news: this may become a problem for me in the future. My family history suggests that this cyst is only going to be one among many. They may cause scarring and could possibly make it more difficult/impossible for me to have more kids. The doc said they would typically put someone like myself on birth control to lessen the chance of the cysts. However, that clearly means I wouldn’t be having children. James and I have talked about having 5-6 kids so that’s not currently an option for us. My doc said that it is okay for me to forgo the birth control now, unless the cysts become a great problem. If they do, I will not have an option unless I want to be in regular pain. In addition to these things, I was told I may be developing a slight case of Endometriosis.

As you can imagine, I could let all this crush me OR I could let it point me to Christ. God is in complete control of my womb. Should He want me to have more kids naturally, He will. Should He not, He won’t. Pray that I will trust Him with all I have. My body is not my own, it is His. After all, I already have a blessing that many are not able to have at all: a daughter. Praise God for His grace. What a great God we serve!

In Christ,
Terra Santos

Footnote:
1 - This article is licensed under the GNU Free Documentation License. It uses material from the Wikipedia article "Ovarian Cyst.”