“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.”
Psalms 139:13-16 (ESV)
These were the words I read in my quiet time Monday morning. I cherished them as I pondered the life of the little one growing inside of me. Less than an hour later, these words haunted me as that same little life – lost it’s life. With monstrous cramping, I began what would be a four day turmoil of bleeding. This baby, our baby, MY baby was gone.
My immediate response was confusion. Deep down, I knew what had just happened but I couldn’t get a grasp on it yet. I was frozen. Being held by my husband, I stood, motionless in disbelief. “This is not happening,” I thought to myself. “This is just a bad dream.” Moments later, I crumbled into his arms as reality took hold of me.
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die...
...a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance”
Eccl 3:1,4 (ESV)
Monday was an incredibly difficult day. There were moments of uncontrolled crying. In my prayer journal I wrote, “To have had the thrill and excitement of pregnancy and no sooner than that, loss! God, I know that you are in control. I know that you love me. I know that while my heart screams ‘unfair!’ my soul reminds me that I must trust in you.”
Then there were moments of strange peace. Phillipians 4:5-7 says, “The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (my italics).
I couldn’t get those morning verses of Psalm 139 out of my head. Then God gently nudged me. It was as if He was telling me, “Terra. These words still hold true. I was knitting together this life and I had numbered your baby’s days. I know I took your little one before you were ready but I promise you, I’m still in control. I still love you. I have a greater purpose for this situation that you cannot yet understand.” Wow.
I have a new bond with those who have been through miscarriages. Before my own, though I knew it had to be hard, I had no idea just how hard. I don’t think it’s possible to know what it’s like without the experience. Some people will wonder if I’ll be as quick to announce our next pregnancy (assuming the Lord blesses us again) – I will. The way I see it, God calls us to community. In community, we can rejoice in new life. Even more, we can mourn with one another. First Corinthians 12:26 says, “If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.” Had I kept the pregnancy secret, I would not have had a community to mourn with.
Today my doctor's office called with the results of my blood work: the miscarriage was confirmed. I lost my composure yet again.
But during this time, my husband and I have so tightly clung to Christ. We’ve also learned how to cling even tighter to one another. It’s even caused me to love and cherish my daughter Hannah Mai that much more. As hard as it is for me to say, I know that God makes no mistakes. His ways are so much higher than my own. I even more strongly yearn for the day when He returns. Revelation 21:1-4 shows us that day. “Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away” (my italics).
This past Sunday at church, Bro. Daniel mentioned in his sermon that we need to be a people that both suffers and dies well. A day later, James and I’s abilities to do so were tested. Praise God that we do not rest on our own abilities. If we did, we’d both be in despair and misery. We are told to lean on our only solid Rock and to cast our burdens upon Christ. May He continue to lead us each day. This hope is our only hope. Please continue to pray for us during this difficult time.
I end with lyrics from Watermark’s “Glory Baby.” You can listen to it online at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wH5n5ikNgA
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..In Christ,
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day
when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet
Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to understand it
‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes
just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing,
heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…
all you’ll ever know…