Wednesday, December 19, 2007

I Chose to Sin

For whatever reason, before bed last night, Hannah Mai decided she was not going to take her full bottle. I cringed as this more than likely meant she would wake up earlier than usual because she was hungry. I told myself, I'll just let her cry herself back to sleep. That always works in theory but then after hearing her cry for a while, it breaks your heart AND you just want to go back to sleep. I was blessed this morning when James volunteered to feed her since he was already up getting ready for work. So where am I going with all of this?

When I woke up and realized she was crying, more than 2 hours before she should be waking for the morning, I got irritated. Or maybe I should even go so far as to say I got angry. It wasn't simply that she was up early, though that was a big factor. Yet it was also because she did not eat as she should have last night. If she was sick or something, I wouldn't have minded so much. Anyway, back to the point, my heart was fuming.

"For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." - Matt 12:34 (ESV)

I don't know that I actually said anything sinful (maybe my husband would remember otherwise). However, I do know that I was thinking many sinful thoughts.

"Why didn't she eat like she should have last night?"
"Can't I just lay here and let her fall back to sleep?"
"All I want to do is get some sleep! Is that so much to ask?"

Anger. Idolatry. What is an idol? Anything that I'm willing to substitute and worship instead of God.

"And the rest of it he makes into a god, his idol, and falls down to it and worships it." - Isaiah 44:17

What was my idol? Sleep. Oh how I struggle in this area! Sleep is a gift from God. It reminds us that we are human and need rest to rejuvinate us. However, like any good gift, we can obsess over it and substitute it for God.

"Love not sleep, lest you come to poverty" - Prov 20:13 (ESV)

"How long will you lie there, O sluggard? When will you arise from your sleep? A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will come upon you like a robber, and want like an armed man." - Prov 6:9-11 (ESV)

I chose to sin. Even as I got angry over my disrupted sleep, I knew it was wrong. Yet, I chose to sin. How evil our hearts can truly be! I need to remember that nobody else causes me to sin. The circumstances only bring out what is already in my heart. I praise God for His great forgiveness and new mercies each day! May I draw nearer to Him in my struggles.

In Christ,

Terra

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